Urban Fantasy

Monday, November 29, 2004

'Tis the season... for insanity...

Whoa. Was facebooked by Prom Date this morning. He just IMed.

And RB is being nice.

What is up with the universe????


Prom Date is engaged.

Did it become 1950 when I was eating turkey?

Sunday, November 28, 2004

No place like "home"

So it's been a long time since the last entry, but I've been so confused by the presence of emotions other than humiliation, disgust and self-doubt (all professional) that I just didn't know what to do with myself. So I came "home" to Okemos ("Putting the OK in Michigan") , suprised the Mom and generally had a pleasant, if uneventful vacation.

Maybe it's just I haven't experienced winter in too long, or maybe have been living in Washington for too long... and maybe they're the same damn thing... but had forgotten the effects of snow. Namely, that it is fucking cold and not fun to drive in. Since the Sister did not arrive until after the gods had dumped eight inches on our tastefully manicured lawns, we were forced to stay in the Land of OK instead of going Up North to the blissful, restful Cabin. Was not horrible, despite my complaining here. Lovely family time, complete with much of our signature teasing and yappy banter. The Mom was beautifully surprised by my presence, and the plotting with rest of family was much paid off, even if am fired by RB come Monday. Do not think this will happen, but who knows? God has clearly demostrated that He does not look after me in this workplace.

Parents have been much help in plotting how to leave the hateful RB. They were able to experience a typical day firsthad when on Friday, spent four hellish hours on phone with Evil Sprint Representatives trying track down a present for RB's spouse. Eventually wound up literally hysterical, sobbing and hollering out of frustration. Suppose should be grateful that RB did not see me freak out in such manner-- after all, parents saw me through rather dramatic adolescene and are used ot my freak outs-- but was not a pleasant way to spend day after Thanksgiving. No siree Bob.

Am heading down to Hippie Hometown tomorrow for a little shopping and reuniting with some long-lost friends. Read wonderful news on Thanksgiving Day that friend from high school who was serving in Iraq arrived home. Love the lovely Hippie Hometown. That would never make the front page of the Post, but I can't think of better news I've heard from them in a long time.

Speaking of long-lost, had fabulous time raiding the relatives jewelry stashes with the Mom earlier tonight. Not only did I pick up a hysterical early-60's hammered gold necklace that looks like it came straight off the neck of an astronaut's wife, but we discovered a long-lost relative! Yes, my great-grandmother's wedding announcement mentioned "music rendered by Miss Gypsy (Lastname)." Well! Ain't never heard of no Gypsy before! Dad immediately got on the web to discover that she did indeed exist and died in 1987 in Family Homestate. No one had ever heard of her though, even though everyone knew the other three sisters! The Mom and I are pretty sure there's a love child or an insane asylum (or both) involved. I will be writing the novel of her life. Which do we like better, Gypsy in the Attic or The Lost Gypsy?

Plus now I have a name for my firstborn daughter. After all, must carry on family tradition.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Well, Mother sure as hell doesn't know best

Holy Shit.

Have just finished Blind Date from Hell. Son of a Preacherman beyond horrid. In first ten minutes:

1. Bitched incessantly about job. Not OK. Even in normal town, you aren't negative like that until the 10th date. In Washington, there should be rings involved. You have no idea who the other person knows/works for/believes in/has slept with.

2. Brought up depression caused by Awful Job. Score! Professional development problems and mental health issues in one serving!

3. Mentioned tenure as bartender at gay club. This in and of itself is fine. Mentioned being constant object of man-man come-ons. Obvious exaggeration (no gay man I know would hit on someone so proudly wearing flannel in public) but fine. Used the phrase "not that there's anything wrong with how those people live, but it's not for me." Not fine.

4. On office politics: "There are three Jewish ladies and me, and I'm sick to death of their jabbering."

I give up. There are no decent, easy-going, handsome, articulate, culturally aware, heterosexual men in this town.

Will now go out and find myself a hot dumb Republican shag. If they're not going to fulfill my criteria, they should at least scratch my itch.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Not even John Cusack can fix this one

My boss is evil. Actual, incarnate evil. One of the truly rotten-to-the-core people who infest this planet.

And I'm stone cold sober right now.

I do, however, have a severe case of heartburn, the beginnings of an ulcer, a badly bruised self-image and a rapidly shrinking bank account. And no life.

I'm done. Have spent much of night practicing resignation speech in various house mirrors. So far, all versions have devolved into me screaming recriminations and ending with a emphatic "FUCK YOU." And door-slamming. Cannot seem to get past the door-slamming.

In the immortal words of Lloyd Doppler "YOU MUST CHILL!"

But when RB threatened to fire me for taking time off at Thanksgiving, when RBself will be on vacation from Sunday-Sunday... that is it. I am fucking done. The work is not meaningful, I am not learning anything, I don't make a ton of money and my boss treats me like shit.

The End.

(Urban) Family Bonding

Saw Bridget Jones sequel last night, proving once again that men know nothing. All reviews I'd read had two things in common: they hated the movie and were scribed by the Penile Set. While movie tried a bit too hard for laughs, was racially offensive to Southeast Asians in several scenes and changed the bitter-evil-Rebecca subplot into something far more stupid and innocuous, it was still an enjoyable experience I laughed along with and, yes, drooled over in a few key moments involving Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. Mwaaah.

Movie was preceded, however, by dinner. Apparently the lives of all my girlfriends are going to shit. C is obsessed with what appeared to be Benign Clueless Man who is actually Nasty Fuckwit Man who referred to his current plaything as having "been upgraded from peanut butter and jelly to steak." Ew. B is most worried about money, and Evil Retailer will likely make her work on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. X's firm was fired by one of their biggest(if biggest headache) clients, who was of course X's responsibility. Firm Head is telling X is not her fault, which is true, but X remains convinced that Evil Supervisor sees her as threat and is conspiring to ruin X's reputatation.

Finally, and in my own humble opinion, worst, is poor K, who has been all but diagnosed with Scary If Not Life-Threatening Disease she already tussled with in college. She's actually glad to know what is going on, more or less. Last time no one was really sure, which resulted in many medications with nasty side effects and one very unfortunate ER visit that concluded with a rectal exam by an overeager intern. She's playing it cool, but I'm very worried abt her. Lucky that she has good support network in A and Urban Family. Will be there thru thick, thin and anal probing.

Tonight, speaking of A, will be jaunt to 18th St Lounge with Urban Family, A's Dad and his Mid-Life Crisis All-Stars. Please God, let him wear an open-collar shirt with his Star of David nestled in his chest hair! Or perhaps a blazer with the sleeves rolled up, a la Don Johnson?

You think I jest. But there is already an earring involved.

In other, less 80s-related family news, have bought ticket home for last-minute Thanksgiving Surpise Extravaganza! Would love for it to be surprise for both parents but logistics made me include the Dadman in the scheming. Could not, after all, take chance that they would go to cabin at last minute or that we would be unable to get a turkey in whatever part of the state we wound up dining in. Cannot wait to see mother's face when surprise her.

Plus, this should absolve me from Matri-Guilt at least through the rest of the holidays. Score!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Urgh. Stomach has been most messed up for several days. Weeks of subsiding entirely on microwave popcorn, vodka gimlets and Lean Cuisine Four Cheese pizzas caught up with me last night when had series of incredibly vivid and upsetting nightmares. Dreamt first that was dying of thirst and despite drinking the contents of three Brittas, could not get enough water. As repeatedly woke up to go to fridge and plunder the Britta, line between unconscious and reality was extremely blurry. In continuing nightmares, dreamt was cartoon animator for monkey/shark children's series, stranded in rural British backpackers community with drunken nineteen year olds, and, most disturbingly, simultaneously viewing and participating in an episode of The OC in which Summer chops up Seth's new girlfriend, breads the pieces of her body and serves them at cotillion.

The lesson, as always? Vodka and pizza are a dangerous combination.

Today work proving to be lovely, tho. Respected Boss is traveling with civilized companions who do not seek to make the lives of their employees hellish, and therefore must be nice to me over phone when calls to check in. RB has even given me permission to leave at 5! Good things, since have done virtually nothing all day, tho this is because there is virtually nothing to do. Instead, have watched copious amounts of 90s nostalgia TV on TBS (2nd season Dawson's creek, vintage Saved By The Bell, PILOT EPISODE of Buffy) while knawing on Hunan Peking with great gusto. However, is not exactly helping tummy-rumbling scenario.

Tonight should be good time. Roommate is throwing event for Member, and of course will be attending with extended Urban Family. Feel slightly bad for Member however-- looks increasingly that Member's celebration will be composed of 20somethings there for the free booze and flirting opportunities.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

And if that joy, that thrill/Doesn't thrill like you think it will


tho am lacking the cheers, think I understand for first time exactly what it means. One makes one's bed, and one lies in it.

In all senses of word.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Great Aspirations

Had beer and venting session with JG last night (he vented, I listened for most part). Reminded me that though very much miss aspects of college, am still glad to be in new part of city that I love, in house that I love, with weekends to do whatever I damn well please. Besides, much of what is going on at good ol' GW is changes making things worse (Friday classes, airport hangar J St.), or continuity making things worse (idiotic SA drama involving possibly-purchased alcohol, CLLC falling apart and being in total denial abt it).

Had delicious Saturday of sleeping until noon and and watching truly awful movies on USA in sweatpants all day. The kind of Saturday where you look up from your popcorn bowl and Tom Cruide onscreen and say "Bless my boots, is it dark already?" Did not even contemplate personal hygiene until after sunset. Later did margaritas at L's, where finally met JT's old roommate N, and hit up Local 16. Now, I make it a general rule not to wait in lines where bouncers walk up and down picking out groups of hot girls. Not good for the ego, and completely ridiculous on first cold night out of season. Nonetheless, was a lot of fun, and finally answered question of "where have all the hot straight boys who know how to dress been?" Could have done without drunk short old man telling me I should smile more. When am surrounded by hot young tall guys and short drunk old guy is only one to hit on me, does not make me smiley.

Sunday was spent purchasing aspirational clothing (something the salesgirl referred to as a "reconstituted turtleneck" that cost $80 and a $60 vintage leather blazer designed for a rock star who weighs at least ten pounds less than Yours Truly). Am v. much enjoying my Reading Nook, where sat down to blog last night while watching new Special Edition DVD of "West Side Story" (shut up). Instead, conversed with X abt freakiness of friends engagement party to Prince Chicken and nodded while she expounded on various boys in her life.

Gah, nipples are making me crazy. Hideously overslept this morning, so threw sweatshirt over slept-in wifebeater before leaped in car. However, combo of bralessness and scratchy cheap men's shirt have now been wearing for 18 hours (plus changing dry skin) now itching like crazy. Trying to move as little as possible.

Oh shit. Just rec. email from Son of A Preacher Man. Apparently in the barrage of emails that were exchanged, he got the message that I was new to town and Needed A Friend. Honestly not sure which is worse-- that am now viewed as naive charity case with hayseeds in hair, or that am actually Urban Spinster who after almost 5 years in the city still needs to be set up by her Kansas relatives.

I wish I could drink at work.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Note the clever lack of revealing pronous

Oh so much to update. For starters, plans to flee from the hell of job are coming into focus, though a bit too clear for my own liking. Read of an opening in Hill office (my own congressman, natch)-- had met press sec. when worked at Journalism Job, he was lovely and volunteered to help me find position postgrad. Sadly, when needed job in June, nothing was available. Now, have job (albeit... with RB), and am seeking another, but preferable one with start date after holidays (aka when we know for sure whether major developments in RB personal life will... develop). Though that staff ass job is now taken (suppose is good thing, since would have meant pay cut and eternal wrath of RB for leaving after only 6 months), press sec now knows of other position in what he refers to as "related" office that will be officially opening soon. Gaaaahhh.... to pursue or not to pursue? To do morally correct but professionally inhibiting and soul sapping action or go for more exciting, fun, professional opportunity leaving behind a very angry, very powerful RB with a steaming pile of grudge?

Hrm. NG dilemna. Will ask Associate for advice when do drinks with her on Friday.

Gaaaah! In moment of total and utter stupidity, left this window open when went to the post office! Did not realize error until trapped in endless line behind man loaded down with brown paper packages (tho am willing to bet was not exactly dealing in Sound of Music DVDs). RB would fire my ass if ever saw this. Tho would likely fire ass for being idiotic enough to leave window up and tempting the gods. Kind of wish RB would fire me for some bullshit reason. If fired, I don't have to spend an awkward month looking for a replacement, and have enough to live on anyways. If get fired for reason that is obv. crap, feel as though it wouldn't be more of detriment to career than if choose to leave on less-than-good terms. And let's face it, could I ever leave on good terms?

The thing that kills me is, I don't want to be like this. I want to like RB, I want to like my job, I want to be the person who even if she isn't deliriously happy with what she does, can stick it out and grow from it. And even RB, personally, I see flashes of things I really respect and want to be. I truly admire and mostly like all of the clients, and the friends and associates have always been nothing but lovely when I work with them. When it's good, RB is someone I can look up to and learn a lot from. But when it's bad, it cuts to the core of me. Lessons are never taught, but there is much yelling. The ways RB treats underlings is a lesson in how NOT to behave to one's employees.

So there you have it.

Will be humming "Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?" all the livelong (looong) day.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The worst hangover EVER

I feel remiss for not writing these last two days. Truth be told, I'm still processing just how upset I actually am. There isn't the deep-seated despair I felt in 2000, nor the eye-rolling in 2002... if those were burning alive and a knife wound, this would be death by swallowing lead pellets until they formed a giant lump in one's stomach.

I've enjoyed J's commentary on the election perhaps more than any other I've read, so I will allow him to speak for me:

J (11:27:35 AM): you hate me so much you'll vote against your own economic self interest, security, and liberty all at the same time
J (11:27:36 AM): FINE
J (11:27:52 AM): i live in the northeast, we (along with the west coast) have all the fucking money anyway
J (11:27:58 AM): so you can fucking sit in your trailers and rot
J (11:39:36 AM): i'm glad you have jesus
J (11:29:05 AM): 'cause you'll need him when i take my huge tax cut money, buy a ford explorer (which are made overseas now), buy an AK47 (which is going to be legal), and i'm going to do a drive by from that shit hole houston all the way to jacksonville.
J (11:31:05 AM): and once you reinstate the draft, invade a few more countries, and have the blood of teenage girls dying from back alley abortions on your hands - whatever god you pray to will consign you to hell.
J (11:31:42 AM): as for me? i'm wealthy, white, well-educated, and waspy... i always win in the end anyway
J (11:34:43 AM): this election just proved that i really am better than the slack jawed yockel freaks in the shit-hole part of the country.
J (11:40:59 AM): surprisingly enough... this is my "acceptance" stage of grief.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Oh? There's an election, you say?

It didn't really hit me until yesterday morning, and it didn't REALLY hit me until about 10:3o tonight. As of 12:45 am, Ohio is still too close to call and Florida, awful state that it is, has been called for Bush by CNN.


Too drunkle for more... must eat Wheat Thins and Diet Coke... more to follow in the (functional) AM...