Urban Fantasy

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I'd like to thank God and the Academy

This weekend marks the beginning of one of my favorite times of year. Religious holiday? Family celebration? No, silly... Awards Season! That special time of year when just as we are at our most fat and bloated from the holidays, the shiny happy peacocks of the entertainment industry gather together to wear $8,000 gowns and congratulate one another for being so damn talented, sexy and awe-inspiring. Since my plan to win an Oscar has been temporarily derailed by that pesky thing called Supporting Oneself by Earning a Living (and this blog is about 200K readers short of a Bloggie Nomination), I will present the update on my little life in the form of awards.

Creepiest Compliment by a Supporting Character:

X informs me that her Creepy Cousin and a guy from our freshman floor apparently enjoy sitting around and talking about how hot I am. When she asked them what they saw in me (Ed: Not in an awful bitchy way, but merely stealthy reconnaisance work), Creepy Cousin said "Girl answer? She's really friendly. Guy answer is she has perfect breasts."

Um, thank you? I think?

Best Editing by a Scattered Motorist:

It is a small miracle that I have not killed someone whilst fiddling with my iPod stereo adapter. This thing is ridiculous. You have to plug in multiple cords, tune to a shitty-yet-not-too-shitty station so the FM transmission will instead take up the iPod waves, and then surf using the iPod unit, not the car. These dangers are combined with the schizophrenia my iPod on shuffle already induces. I happen to get very into whatever I'm listening to (in fact, the whole reason I love driving is so I can get my singing kicks without X and J mercilessly mocking), and the jump from Sufjan Stevens to the Les Miz soundtrack is a jarring one. It is solely due to my awesome motor skills that the schoolchildren and little old ladies of our fair city continue to cross the street in blissful peace.

Best Unintentional Comedy from a Board Game:

"What percentage of the United States House of Representatives is re-elected every two years?"

"A. 1/3 B. 1/2 C. 1/4"


Lifetime Achievement Award for Marinade Use:

EJ and her Rockin' Shishkabobs of Destiny

Ballsiest Action by an Undergraduate:

The Sister for rushing, even though she was full of doubts about the process. Maybe it didn't work out exactly how she wanted, but she went for it full-throtle and stepped way out of her comfort zone. And hey, she did get a bid from one of the biggest sororities on campus (even if it's not the one she wanted). And I say, fuck the Alpha Phis. The mother will just have to be buried with her stupid pin (and I'm sorry, but that whole pin thing is just silly). Congrats for being so brave-- I'm so proud of you.

Best Headline from a Snarky Blog that EJ Desperately Wishes She Wrote For:

"Brad and Jennifer Split! Oh, and Tens of Thousands Still Dead from Tsunami"


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